 Making final tweaks to the arrangements. You should listen to the backing track on something with good speakers. They sound cool. Thank you Finale Music for making such a dynamite program. I have finally deleted the last of me singing on this page. If you missed it, the universe is looking out for you. You must be doing something right. Sheet music: PDF versions of the actual sheet music that generates the backing tracks. Lyrics and chords: One giant file with everything is located at the top of the right hand column. Backing Tracks: Tracks without voice or ukulele. Try to sing along; it's fun. Use the Flash player below. Contact me at: garyjugert@yahoo.com Short URL: http://ow.ly/50OJQ No flash player!It looks like you don't have flash player installed. Click here to go to Macromedia download page.
All Praise Ye Fluffy Ones
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#1 The
Tyger |
The Tyger: What I See When I Look in the Mirror in Ab minor By William Blake I didn't write the words, but William Blake wanted to collaborate with me. I added the drum beat. Imagine Tiger looking in the mirror. |
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#2 Rachel
Uchitel |
VIPs Party Downstairs in A minor Rachel Uchitel is the first of the party girls to be implicated with Tiger Woods. She seems to be a VIP party planner type who manages to be associated with lots of celebrities. She's refused to say anything about a relationship with Tiger. |
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| #3 The Garden of Love  |
The
Garden of Love in C# minor By William Blake This poem is about organized religion messing up the narrator's life. I'm betting our hero's life felt pretty messed up when he had to be following the arbitrary rules of civilized society by doing lame-o things like staying at home with his wife and kids. PDF http://ow.ly/4YT6b MP3 http://ow.ly/4YT6A |
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#4 Elin
Nordegren |
Chopping the Woods Down with this Iron in D minor Most everyone believes Elin Nordegren (Tiger's wife) chased him out of the house weilding a golf club after an argument about his infidelity. They deny it and what little she's said to the media is pretty hard to believe. |
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#5 The Little Boy Lost  |
The
Little Boy Lost in F# minor By William Blake This poem seems perplexingly perfect for the occasion. Tiger reportedly was quite close to his father who died shortly before the ladies started coming out of the woodwork. PDF http://ow.ly/50OxM MP3 http://ow.ly/50OAU |
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#6 Jamiee Grubbs |
The
Loneliest Monarch in Our Little Town in E minor Jamiee is one of the many cocktail waitresses associated with Tiger Woods. She apparently made it onto a reality show, was photographed for a magazine, and most notoriously, saved a voice mail from Tiger that became the rage of media everywhere. |
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#7 The
Human Abstract |
The
Human Abstract in Eb minor By William Blake Heh ... a song about a an evil tree. Get it? Woods? I should have this one follow Nordegren if I were going for a theme there, but this is such a mean poem it seems to fit perfectly after the delightful miss Grubbs. It sucks to play Eb minor on the ukulele, so here's a one chord song. |
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#8 Kalika
Moquin |
Neither Confirm nor Deny in G minor Kalika Moquin is another cocktail waitress and VIP party hostess and somehow people apparently make a living doing this sort of thing. She seems to be based in Las Vegas. She reportedly won't confirm or deny a relationship with Tiger, but I'll assume there is. She was voted Tiger's cutest girlfriend (even over his wife) by Vanity Fair readers. |
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#9 The
Sick Rose |
The
Sick Rose in G# minor By William Blake A beautiful thing infected by an invisible worm that travels through howling storms to reach a crimson bed of joy? Really William? You're not really talking about flowers, are you? |
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#10 Cori Rist |
Big Game Hunter in B minor Cori Rist is a mom and a bikini model and there's actually a nice interview with her up on YouTube. She basically calls Tiger a liar and makes it sound like she was falling in love with him. I'm betting at some point she's considered shooting him. |
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#11 On
Another's Sorrow |
On
Another's Sorrow in F minor By William Blake I hate the ending of this poem, but William never bothered to ask me my opinion. The question the poem asks is: Can anyone sit by while someone else suffers? The answer is, "Yeah sure, happens all the time." And yet the poem seems to conclude that even God can't do much about life sucking. Why do we keep this God guy around anyway? I like this song sitting next to the Cori Rist song because it emphasizes an unremovable pain. |
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#12 Jamie
Jungers |
Life as a Twink in C minor Jamie is a cute little blonde party thing. Not much else to say about her! Tiger, grown men just look at these pretty little things. No need to touch, ya know? And the sitar instrument kept crashing my old computer. Just thought you'd want to know why I'm on Macintosh now. |
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#13 Cradle Song |
Cradle Song in G minor By William Blake Here's a lullaby I can really get behind. The pretty sleeping baby is busy dreaming up all manner of evil in her head. When she awakes, the real evil breaks loose. I like the contrast of this song against the Jungers tune. No matter how pretty they might be, darkness looms. |
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#14 Mindy Lawton |
Waltz
with a Waffle in F# minor Mindy Lawton works in a pancake house and lives in a trailer park, according to reports. I'm betting the pancake house is somewhere near Tiger's home golf course and the trailer park is very far away from his house. He reportedly used to take her back to his place for play time when Elin was out. |
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#15 Mad Song |
Mad Song By William Blake My favorite piece of art and probably my favorite poem of William's. When we discovered Tiger was taking the local waffle house waitress back to his house, we knew the tempest in his brain was making mad the roaring winds. |
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#16 Holly Sampson |
Mister
Big Shot Fancy Pants in F minor Maybe I'm wrong about this, but for most of us, I think our bachelor party didn't include having sex with the stripper. If we believe Holly, Tiger decided to do more than slide dollars into her underwear. |
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#17 Laughing Song |
Laughing Song By William Blake Sandwiched between two porn stars, I expect it's a good time to lighten the mood and let our hero have a bit of a sad giggle. |
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#18 Joslyn
James |
Here's a
Girl and There's Some Girls in C# minor My notes from the internet claims Joslyn James is a star of "many, many porn videos." Not sure when "many" becomes "many, many" but Joslyn must have reached that threshold. My key thought when writing this song was, "How is Tiger like an adult film star?" Turns out the answer is "quite a bit." |
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#19 The
Little Black Boy  |
The
Little Black Boy By William Blake As events unfolded for our hero, certain segments of our sad little society viewed our saga through their colored lens of racial prejudice. I think William Blake's poem on the matter is succinct: God illuminates everyone. And I guess in this instance, TV camera lights won't shy away from the black boy or all those white girls. |
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#20 Loredana
Jolie |
For
a Girl Like Me in Bb minor Word on the streets is Tiger did not have sex with Loredana, but might have bought her some expensive gifts. In looking at her pictures, I'm betting she's received plenty of expensive gifts. |
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#21 The
Chimney Sweeper |
The
Chimney Sweeper in C minor By William Blake When you actually fit the square peg into the round hole, as you set the hammer down, you might think, well, there's a good day's work done, but that peg knows it doesn't belong there. |
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#22 Julie
Postle |
Another
Cocktail Waitress ... Really?! in G# minor Just what you need, your ex-boyfriend reporting to the media you spent time with Tiger Woods. Lovely. I should write a song about him. In any event, Julie is another cocktail waitress and seems to be based in Tiger's home town. |
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#23 My Pretty Rose Tree  |
My
Pretty Rose Tree By William Blake The pretty rose tree is Tiger's legacy in life and golf, and the beautiful flower May never bore is this long and admittedly incomplete list of bedroom conquests. I hope the thorns are delightful. |
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#24 Theresa
Rogers |
Kitties
in the Jungle in Eb minor Theresa's distinction among Tiger's harem is her age. She is reported to be 49 years old. I understand the term for this is "cougar" and it works out quite lovely when combined with "tiger." |
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#25 The Voice of the Ancient Bard |
The Voice of the Ancient Bard in A minor By William Blake Tangled roots perplex her ways. How many have fallen there? I follow Rogers with this song since she alone among the group is actually a grown-up. She must have been an endless maze of folly. |
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#26 The
Others |
Shhhhhh in
D# minor I don't run in the same circles as my friend Tiger, but I can imagine some of his girlfriends might actually be able to keep secrets. |
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| #27 The Little Girl Lost  |
Little Girl Lost in A# minor By William Blake Who doesn't love a girl losing her viginity in the garden story? Especially one that ends with a disappointed dad. |
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#28 The
Next Harem |
A New
Menagerie in A# minor My friend Tiger Woods is laying low and getting therapy for "his problem." I hope he's miraculously cured by late March so he can play the Masters. I wonder how he'll handle all of the new temptations the world with offer up to him. |
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#29 The Little Vagabond |
Little Vagabond in B minor By William Blake Let's finish things up about how much more fun life would be with a lot more beer and maybe a little less of the church lady. Go Tiger go!
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